Sasha: Jetsetter

Tomorrow, Sasha goes on her third trip via plane, and her fourth out-of-state trip. We are headed to sunny Florida to stay with her Nonna Connie, and to see her Grandma Sharon, for the first time. Connie lives just a short walk away from one of the finest sandy beaches I've seen, and I'm so excited to see how Sasha reacts to warm sand between her toes.

I missed posting on her 11th month birthday and December has been a busy month. There are so many great things she does and says now, like:

• When we go outside in the cold, she says, "Brrrr..."

• She loves books, which makes me so happy. She is usually walking around with a book in her hand, wanting me to read her a story. Sometimes I even see her flipping the pages and reading to herself. Her favorites are:

1. Goodnight Moon - one of her favorite things is a balloon and there is a red balloon on every other page that she enjoys pointing to.
2. Where is Baby's Belly Button?/Where is Baby's Mommy?: these are flip-up books that she absolutely adores and never tires of. I wish I could say the same - the plot is thin and the illustrations are kind of "meh," but she gets a kick out of flipping up those pages and finding what's underneath.
3. Miss Spider's Tea Party - this is a really fun book to read to her. It's essentially a counting book, but the plot has some emotional drama that she really gets sucked into. There is a page in which Miss Spider, spurned by the other bugs, sobs in lonely melancholy. Sasha wrinkles her brow and starts to cry, and then laughs with joy in the next page when Miss Spider makes a little moth friend. I love that she really gets into the story.
   
4. I am a Bunny - we read this to her every night before bed and I wonder how long this routine will last. We have little sounds and actions that we do with each page, and she looks at us impatiently if we forget to do our shtick for her. On the last page, she gives sleeping Bunny Nicholas a little pat "good night."
   

• She's becoming more and more affectionate as time passes. Most of her obvious affection is reserved for Gwen, our oldest and most Sasha-tolerant cat. She likes to give Gwen soft head butts, which are her equivalent of kisses. She also will head butt pictures of cats, puppies, and sometimes the "young mouse" in Goodnight Moon.
  

• She has started giving me hugs that just fill me heart with joy. Sometimes when I'm holding her, she'll put her hands on my cheeks and pull me in for a kiss. A few times, she has come up behind me while I've been sitting on the floor, and given my back a big hug. I love it!!

We're only 3 weeks away from her first birthday and I am amazed at how fast time has gone. In the first three months, time truly felt like it was creeping, but now it flies by and I can hardly tell what day it is anymore. I want to slow down, and yet, I'm excited to see who she becomes. She already is so fearless, funny, loving, and strong.

I'm off to pack. More from our adventures in the Sunshine State will appear soon...

It's been an incredibly emotional last couple of days for me. I started looking for work in earnest recently and now the fact that I will be a working mom has started to hit me. I've been with Sasha for the better part of 24 hours a day for the last year and I have truly loved this job. In fact, I would say that it has been the most rewarding, challenging, and fulfilling work of my life. It feels like I'm quitting a job I really love to go do... well, I don't know what. Hopefully something that I like, at least.

I've never liked the process of looking for work and now it is exceptionally hard to feel motivated. Nothing seems as important as what I'm doing now and it's difficult to find a different perspective. I'm not a "career" woman, which means I haven't honed a particular set of high-paying skills. I've had jobs I've hated, some that I've enjoyed, and others that were a means to a paycheck, but I've never bounced out of bed in the morning thinking, "Gee! I can't wait to go to work today!" When I've really enjoyed a job, it had more to do with the people I worked with rather than the job itself. This is not to say that I am not a dedicated employee; I am and I have excelled at a few positions. Motherhood, and in particular being mother to Sasha, has brought out parts of myself that I really like, talents that I didn't know I had, and I feel as though I'm about to give that up.

Intellectually, I know that there are is the possibility that I will find something I will be very happy doing, and I will continue to love and mother Sasha as well as, or perhaps better than, I have been doing all year. Yet, I feel as though I need to honor this passage of time, the closing of this door in order to appreciate the opening of the next one. Sasha is nearly one year old; no longer my itty bitty baby, but a toddler. She's walking, she's finding her voice and a language, she's becoming a little girl with big ideas. Already I feel time is moving too quickly and while I'm excited for what is around the corner, I'm mournful for the end of this year. I never understood before why mothers would feel sad at their baby's first birthday, but now I know. It's just the tiniest heartbreaking glimpse of the moment when your baby walks out the door and into her own life.

For now, though, I'll hold my babe close, kiss her until she pushes me away, and love every minute of this life with her.

Brrrrrr...

Sasha saw her first snowfall today. Loads and loads of fluffy cotton balls of snow fell from the sky. So pretty. We were at Izilla Toys, feeling overwhelmed by all the choices of books and baubles for Sasha when it started to snow. By the time we walked outside, the world was snug under a white blanket.

Photo coming soon...