It's been an incredibly emotional last couple of days for me. I started looking for work in earnest recently and now the fact that I will be a working mom has started to hit me. I've been with Sasha for the better part of 24 hours a day for the last year and I have truly loved this job. In fact, I would say that it has been the most rewarding, challenging, and fulfilling work of my life. It feels like I'm quitting a job I really love to go do... well, I don't know what. Hopefully something that I like, at least.

I've never liked the process of looking for work and now it is exceptionally hard to feel motivated. Nothing seems as important as what I'm doing now and it's difficult to find a different perspective. I'm not a "career" woman, which means I haven't honed a particular set of high-paying skills. I've had jobs I've hated, some that I've enjoyed, and others that were a means to a paycheck, but I've never bounced out of bed in the morning thinking, "Gee! I can't wait to go to work today!" When I've really enjoyed a job, it had more to do with the people I worked with rather than the job itself. This is not to say that I am not a dedicated employee; I am and I have excelled at a few positions. Motherhood, and in particular being mother to Sasha, has brought out parts of myself that I really like, talents that I didn't know I had, and I feel as though I'm about to give that up.

Intellectually, I know that there are is the possibility that I will find something I will be very happy doing, and I will continue to love and mother Sasha as well as, or perhaps better than, I have been doing all year. Yet, I feel as though I need to honor this passage of time, the closing of this door in order to appreciate the opening of the next one. Sasha is nearly one year old; no longer my itty bitty baby, but a toddler. She's walking, she's finding her voice and a language, she's becoming a little girl with big ideas. Already I feel time is moving too quickly and while I'm excited for what is around the corner, I'm mournful for the end of this year. I never understood before why mothers would feel sad at their baby's first birthday, but now I know. It's just the tiniest heartbreaking glimpse of the moment when your baby walks out the door and into her own life.

For now, though, I'll hold my babe close, kiss her until she pushes me away, and love every minute of this life with her.