Something to lighten the mood

Sasha in her "Girl Power" T-shirt.

Oh Mother, Where Art Thou?

I'm not sure where my mother is. More accurately, I don't know exactly where my mother is. I know she is in Florida. I know she is most likely in St. Petersburg. I know she is living on the streets. I know she is alive, as of last week when she called my aunt and uncle in Vermont. Apart from that, she is like this loose thread that begins at my heart and travels out from there until I can no longer see the end of it, but it catches on me as I move throughout my day and I am reminded of the vague absence of her.

My relationship with my mother has been unraveling (again, those loose threads everywhere) for quite some time. The reasons are complicated, having to do with the old and familiar stories of alcohol and abuse and all the burdens they bear.


This Mother's Day was beautiful, for all the reasons I mentioned in my previous post, but there came with it a weight. I couldn't call my mother, or even write to her, to tell her how much I love her. To let her know, despite any pain her troubles have caused me, that she is my mother and without her I am missing a part of myself. I want to share with her my own journey as a mother and I can't do that. I want to thank her for the ways in which she gave her love to me pure and true. I want to tell her I remember the nights she sang to me on her guitar. I remember the time she took, despite being a single mother working full-time, to make me special breakfasts each morning. The journeys she took with us to the mountains, the ocean, the desert - the ways in which she showed us the world and made it beautiful.

I want to take the little girl in the picture and smother her with kisses, lift her up in my arms and hold her close to me, as I do my own daughter. I don't know what happened to that little girl. Whether the pain and illness to come was inevitable or self-inflicted or inflicted upon her, or all of the above.

I hope she can feel my love wherever she is. I hope that somewhere the other end of my thread is tugging at her heart. That even though her thread unravels off into a somewhere she can not see, she knows that it's my heart attached to the other end.

Mother's Day Belated

This was hands down the best Mother's Day yet. Granted, it's only our second one, and the first was a pretty tough contender. Still, the sight of Sasha running up to me with a flower in one hand, a handmade card in the other, with her arms open wide for a hug - this definitely pushed this year's Mother's Day over the top.

What can I say? Becoming a mother has given me existential whiplash and I'm loving nearly every minute of it. The minutes from between 12am - 5:30am - not so much. But, even then, when I'm soothing my daughter back to dreamland, even then I'm so glad to be right where I'm at in life.

A coworker recently commented me on my calm demeanor in the workplace. I told him that motherhood has taught me a great lesson about priorities. Nothing is more important to me than my family. I may love my work, and get satisfaction from the daily responsibilities, but the stress that comes up or the fires that need to be put out occasionally - well, it rolls off my back a little more easily now. As long as Sasha and Jay are safe and happy, everything else is icing on the cake. Compared to my family's health and safety, the stress of work feels diminished.

Sasha has made me a stronger person. I owe her for who I have become in the past year. She teaches me patience, determination, the power of being present. I look forward to what she has to teach me as she grows and learns and brings new joys and challenges to our lives.

I love you, sweet girl. Thanks for choosing me as your Mommy.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

This morning Sasha was dancing to Depeche Mode "Shake the Disease". Will there still be goths when she's a teenager?

Up, Mommy!

Sasha's uttered her first "sentence" today, "Up, Mommy!" It sounded a wee bit unintentional, but I'm still counting it as a first. Every day her vocabulary expands and I'm amazed at what she can communicate. I think I may still be the resident linguistic expert on the language of Sasha, but I know that she intends each and every one. Some of her favorites:

"Eeef" = leaf
"Cheee" = tree
"Nun"= sun
"Tuck" = truck
"bat" = bath
"bed"

Well, it goes on quite a bit. She's also totally grasped the rituals and routines we have around the house. When she's ready for bed, she'll sometimes grab her blanket, wrap it around her shoulders, and say, "Shhhhhh..." because this is what I say when I rock her a bit before bed. It's always great when she does this because I know it'll be an easy night of going to bed.

She's also very into the great outdoors. I think she would be happy if we spent every waking hour "out tide." When she wants to go out, she grabs her coat and tries to put it on and then grabs her shoes and tries to put those on. Of course, she can't get them on by herself, so she gathers everything up, stands by the door, and says, "out tide, out tide!" She gets very upset when we don't go outside. I have been meaning to scour craigslist for some outdoor play toys, as there isn't much going on in our back yard. I did get her a little pail and shovel, and she does like playing in the dirt, but we need more options.

She's still enjoying school, but the late afternoons have become trying for her. She has caught on to the ritual of parents arriving to pick up her classmates, and has begun crying for me when other moms come to pick up their kids. Her teachers say it's normal for her age and should go away in the next couple of months. It pains me to see her crying when I get there, or to think of her getting sad when another parent shows up and it's not me. Still, she's easily soothed and she clearly likes being at school for the most part.

There is a lot on my mind that I would love to blog about, mainly regarding some recent postings on my parents' list serv that have been so inspiring and brave and thought-provoking. I'll have to save my thoughts for another time, though. I've been enjoying my cozy time in bed with a book and we have to get up early tomorrow to go to Olympia.

Until then, good night.