Firsts, Part 1

Today is Sasha's second day of daycare. I haven't stopped crying since I dropped her off 15 minutes ago. I think today is possibly harder than yesterday because yesterday I had no idea how hard it would be. I fantasized that she would adjust seamlessly and that I would pick her up and she would have barely noticed I was gone.

Instead, I forgot her lunch, had to bring it in and then watch her scream for me as I left, once again. When Jay and I picked her up, they told us she had a great day, one of ups and downs, but that she ate a lot and talked a lot and even slept over an hour. Still, seeing her burst into tears when she saw us walk in and her tired little face just about killed me.

So, the second day is the hardest. The "goodbye" part is awkward. I don't want to linger, I don't want to bolt. And yet, when we first get there, she's kind of dazed and transfixed and doesn't really notice I'm saying, "Goodbye, Sasha. I love you. I'll be back soon." It's only as I'm walking toward the door that she notices and our eyes catch and she starts sobbing.

But, I need to pull it together this morning. I have a five hour interview starting in about 2 hours, and I must focus.

Sasha, I am hugging you from afar.

Big Stuff

Yesterday, Jay and I brought Sasha to her daycare for a "practice" day. This means she stayed a couple of hours without us there to get her acclimated to the environment. I highly suspect these trial days are as much about getting mama adjusted as it is about getting baby adjusted. At least, that's how it worked for me.

As soon as we got there, Sasha was off exploring and chatting up the other toddlers. It was a quiet morning, with a few of the kids out sick, which made it a perfect day to get to know the school a little better. Jay and I stayed for about 10 minutes, but it was pretty clear that she was doing fine. As we were putting on our shoes to leave, she realized that we weren't bringing her with us and began to cry. I've read that in this situation, you don't want to linger, but it's even worse to sneak out. Clearly, we weren't sneaking out, but how long of a "goodbye" becomes lingering?

I didn't pick her up, I just restated that we love her and will be back to pick her up later and then we left. I didn't feel as emotional as I thought I might, mainly because I felt in my heart that she was fine and in good hands. There was a small part of me also that thought, "And now, I get to go drink coffee and read the paper All By Myself. Wheee!" So, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I was seriously tearing up and anxious on the way over, so this came as a pleasant surprise.

When I came to pick her up, she looked at me and gave me a big grin, but wasn't desperate to get up into my arms. A slight blow to my ego, but a really good sign. The teacher told me she cried for about 5 minutes, but they gave her lots of hugs and distracted her. She had a big lunch and when she saw all the kids with their sippy cups, she put down her bottle and drank from a cup. They said she talked a lot, which is not surprising, and she was clearly comfortable and happy when I came in. She walked around pointing at all her new discoveries, and one of the little boys was clearly smitten with her as he kept saying, "That's Sasha. Bye Sasha" as we got ready to go. I think he was still saying "bye Sasha" when we closed the door behind us. Sasha's first school friend!

I can't explain how wonderful seeing her adjust so well makes me feel. I know it's not the same as leaving her for eight hours, but just that little glimpse reassures me that all of this will be okay. It's a hard adjustment for me, but I do feel more confident going into her first day of school now.

Sunny Days, A Remembrance

There is nothing like getting out of Seattle during the cold, dark winter and taking a break in the warm sun. I hereby declare that every winter we shall take a sun break and head to warmer climates. Even during the holidays, the traditional hot cocoa and snowflakes time, I would rather be swimming in an ocean or lounging on the beach.

Lucky for us, both grandmothers live in Florida, so we have a place to go for the sun. We arrived a couple of days before Christmas and stayed with Nonna Connie at her place on Longboat Key. She lives across the street from the beach, which is a very nice place to live. Jay took Sasha in the ocean every day, which she loved. We even saw a pod of dolphins while out one evening walking the shore.

We visited with Grandma Sharon in St. Petersburg - we had lunch at Rollin' Oats and took a walk in Sawgrass Park. We didn't see any crocodiles, unfortunately, but we did see some soft shell turtles. Sasha loved all the palm trees in Florida, and even now will point out palm trees in books.

It was a lovely time and had I not waited until 3 weeks after our trip, I would have some accurate memories to share. I apologize for the vague details and will try to update after her birthday much sooner.

Sasha: Jetsetter

Tomorrow, Sasha goes on her third trip via plane, and her fourth out-of-state trip. We are headed to sunny Florida to stay with her Nonna Connie, and to see her Grandma Sharon, for the first time. Connie lives just a short walk away from one of the finest sandy beaches I've seen, and I'm so excited to see how Sasha reacts to warm sand between her toes.

I missed posting on her 11th month birthday and December has been a busy month. There are so many great things she does and says now, like:

• When we go outside in the cold, she says, "Brrrr..."

• She loves books, which makes me so happy. She is usually walking around with a book in her hand, wanting me to read her a story. Sometimes I even see her flipping the pages and reading to herself. Her favorites are:

1. Goodnight Moon - one of her favorite things is a balloon and there is a red balloon on every other page that she enjoys pointing to.
2. Where is Baby's Belly Button?/Where is Baby's Mommy?: these are flip-up books that she absolutely adores and never tires of. I wish I could say the same - the plot is thin and the illustrations are kind of "meh," but she gets a kick out of flipping up those pages and finding what's underneath.
3. Miss Spider's Tea Party - this is a really fun book to read to her. It's essentially a counting book, but the plot has some emotional drama that she really gets sucked into. There is a page in which Miss Spider, spurned by the other bugs, sobs in lonely melancholy. Sasha wrinkles her brow and starts to cry, and then laughs with joy in the next page when Miss Spider makes a little moth friend. I love that she really gets into the story.
   
4. I am a Bunny - we read this to her every night before bed and I wonder how long this routine will last. We have little sounds and actions that we do with each page, and she looks at us impatiently if we forget to do our shtick for her. On the last page, she gives sleeping Bunny Nicholas a little pat "good night."
   

• She's becoming more and more affectionate as time passes. Most of her obvious affection is reserved for Gwen, our oldest and most Sasha-tolerant cat. She likes to give Gwen soft head butts, which are her equivalent of kisses. She also will head butt pictures of cats, puppies, and sometimes the "young mouse" in Goodnight Moon.
  

• She has started giving me hugs that just fill me heart with joy. Sometimes when I'm holding her, she'll put her hands on my cheeks and pull me in for a kiss. A few times, she has come up behind me while I've been sitting on the floor, and given my back a big hug. I love it!!

We're only 3 weeks away from her first birthday and I am amazed at how fast time has gone. In the first three months, time truly felt like it was creeping, but now it flies by and I can hardly tell what day it is anymore. I want to slow down, and yet, I'm excited to see who she becomes. She already is so fearless, funny, loving, and strong.

I'm off to pack. More from our adventures in the Sunshine State will appear soon...

It's been an incredibly emotional last couple of days for me. I started looking for work in earnest recently and now the fact that I will be a working mom has started to hit me. I've been with Sasha for the better part of 24 hours a day for the last year and I have truly loved this job. In fact, I would say that it has been the most rewarding, challenging, and fulfilling work of my life. It feels like I'm quitting a job I really love to go do... well, I don't know what. Hopefully something that I like, at least.

I've never liked the process of looking for work and now it is exceptionally hard to feel motivated. Nothing seems as important as what I'm doing now and it's difficult to find a different perspective. I'm not a "career" woman, which means I haven't honed a particular set of high-paying skills. I've had jobs I've hated, some that I've enjoyed, and others that were a means to a paycheck, but I've never bounced out of bed in the morning thinking, "Gee! I can't wait to go to work today!" When I've really enjoyed a job, it had more to do with the people I worked with rather than the job itself. This is not to say that I am not a dedicated employee; I am and I have excelled at a few positions. Motherhood, and in particular being mother to Sasha, has brought out parts of myself that I really like, talents that I didn't know I had, and I feel as though I'm about to give that up.

Intellectually, I know that there are is the possibility that I will find something I will be very happy doing, and I will continue to love and mother Sasha as well as, or perhaps better than, I have been doing all year. Yet, I feel as though I need to honor this passage of time, the closing of this door in order to appreciate the opening of the next one. Sasha is nearly one year old; no longer my itty bitty baby, but a toddler. She's walking, she's finding her voice and a language, she's becoming a little girl with big ideas. Already I feel time is moving too quickly and while I'm excited for what is around the corner, I'm mournful for the end of this year. I never understood before why mothers would feel sad at their baby's first birthday, but now I know. It's just the tiniest heartbreaking glimpse of the moment when your baby walks out the door and into her own life.

For now, though, I'll hold my babe close, kiss her until she pushes me away, and love every minute of this life with her.

Brrrrrr...

Sasha saw her first snowfall today. Loads and loads of fluffy cotton balls of snow fell from the sky. So pretty. We were at Izilla Toys, feeling overwhelmed by all the choices of books and baubles for Sasha when it started to snow. By the time we walked outside, the world was snug under a white blanket.

Photo coming soon...

Thanksgiving, walking, and other delights

Sasha's first Thanksgiving was a big success. I roasted my very first turkey and she ate it with gusto, as seen below. She also enjoyed the glazed carrots, which tempts me to just glaze all vegetables in sugar in hopes she'll eat more of them. She also liked the stuffing and mushroom gravy, but refused potatoes in any shape or flavor. She is just not a potato lover (unless it comes in the shape of a french fry). We had some friends and my sister over and we all stuffed ourselves until we almost threw up. Okay, that might have just been me.
Sasha has also been... walking!! Lots and lots of shaky, but confident, steps are being taken. She's been kind of sort of taking little steps here and there for a couple of weeks, but on Thanksgiving she really went all out and just went for it. I guess she needed her audience. Since then, she's been walking, even when not prompted with applause. Pretty soon, she'll be running. It's hard to really photograph her walking (just looks like she's standing), but here's a picture that shows off her auto mechanical skills: