Already surpassing her mother's math skills

Sasha has been counting from one to ten since yesterday.

Also, lots of hugs. I've been counting those.

New Stuff

I am the perfect storm of laziness, sleep-deprived, and perfectionista - all of which has prevented me from writing here for THREE months. So, I'll keep it short and add some photos.

These last few months, Sasha has grown so much. Not just physically, but in her speech and mannerisms. The other night we were reading a book, Baby Born, that we have read many times. She pointed to a set of words on one of the pages and recited, word for word, what was written there. I know she has memorized it, and was not actually reading it, but still it amazed me. She retains so much in that brain of hers. And the sentences!

We have been struggling this week to get her to sleep in her bed ("tiny bed") at night and not ours ("big bed"). So, every night as I sit with her and work through the night time thing, she pulls out all the stops to get me to bring her into "big bed." She nearly got me last night when she said, clear as a bell, "Sasha love big bed." I was so delighted that I nearly gave in right there. Instead, I assured her that big bed loves her too, but tiny bed is so cozy and loves Sasha, too. She relented, although ended up in beloved big bed later on last night.

She really gets into mimicking facial expressions and physical movements of people. She has a favorite They Might Be Giants video called, "Robot Parade" and she likes to mimic the hand movements of the guy singing. She'll also try out different expressions while looking in the mirror. Yesterday I was holding her in the bathroom and she was crying about something (probably something I wasn't letting her do) and I saw her watching herself in the mirror. I asked her if she was watching herself cry, and she totally cracked up and then made an exaggerated crying face and then laughed again. She's a funny girl!

Here are some of my favorite photos from the last few months:

Cuddlebug, I love you.

I don't know how she does it, but Sasha gets cuter every day. The constant acquisition of vocabulary and how she pieces together the words she knows amazes me.

The night before last, she made me the happiest I've ever been, perhaps aside from the moment I heard, "Kari, look at your daughter" and saw her pink and wriggling and taking her first gulps of air. She was sitting in my lap and I was putting on her pajama bottoms. She said, "Mommy? Mommy, wuv you." The. best. moment. ever.

This morning we were in the kitchen and she was pointing to a sticker on the refrigerator ("stickuh! stickuh!"). I peeled it off and handed it to her and she exclaimed, "Coooool!" Blew my mind. I mean, my daughter now thinks some things are "cool." Parenthood really allows you to step back and appreciate the little things.

Goodbye, Summer.

Today is the first day of the season that felt like a true autumn day in Seattle. The sky went from blue to rain and back again several times and the wind shook the turning leaves off of the trees. In honor of summer's end, I thought I'd post some of my favorite photos from what was an outstanding summer.

(...this photo was taken in August)



Sasha in the garden. She really got into digging holes (and pulling the leaves off of trees).















More digging.












Looking forward to Summer 2009!

At long last

I think I've met a new record for longest time between posts. Sorry about that, although I can proudly say we've been living life to the fullest and not spending too much time (any time) writing about it.

We took a family vacation at the end of June to Westport, which is little fishing community on the coast of Washington. We went with two other families and their daughters, who are both Sasha's age. Here is a great picture of Sasha playing in the sand with Hazel, Stefanie and Mike's daughter. Sasha and Hazel were born only a few days apart.

Spending a few days with two other families was a blast. There were plenty of adults to make dinner AND watch kids AND some adults left over who could (gasp!) relax or go get donuts and coffee for the adults who were doing the heavy lifting. All this communal task sharing made me think more seriously about the benefits of communes, kibbutzes, and polygamy. Well, until I started reading Under the Banner of Heaven, that is. Rosy images of having a few co-wives around the house have forever been banished.

While none of us are headed for communal living, we did all agree that the weekend was a success and we're ready to make another go at it in several months or so. We're thinking about Whistler in the winter maybe.

Sasha continues to grow at astronomical speed. She recently had her 18 month checkup and pretty much has the body and brain of a 2 year old. Yikes! I expect her to start to slow down at some point, but until then, we're running along just trying to keep up. The girl is packed full of energy and spirit and definitely has a strong opinion about most things, as is evident here:

When she's not telling us what's what, she loves to dance and sing and her moves are getting more evolved over time. She does this fantastic little head wobble that makes me think she has a future in Bollywood. She is eclectic in her musical taste, enjoying everything from alt country to dancehall reggae to jazz to gangsta rap.

Sasha also has a friend, Nadia, who she is quite fond of. Tonight, in fact, they had their first phone conversation which consisted of, "Bdasouwlere, Nadia!" "Sasha!" "Saoeruaeldfu, bye Nadia!"

Every one of our days is peppered with the name Nadia. Sasha even calls her Daddy "Nadia" when he walks in the door. Either she is very confused or just pretty sure that one of these days it actually will be Nadia walking through the door.

Here's Sasha and Nadia a month or so ago enjoying some kind of snack.

Billie, Nadia's mom, has a video she needs to edit and post of the two girls post-bath chasing each other around the house wearing nothing but hooded towels. They are pretty darn cute together (and apart).

Sorry to make it so short after not posting for so long, but my evenings are brief these days. I'll try to do another one soon.


In the meantime, I leave you with a final image:

Something to lighten the mood

Sasha in her "Girl Power" T-shirt.

Oh Mother, Where Art Thou?

I'm not sure where my mother is. More accurately, I don't know exactly where my mother is. I know she is in Florida. I know she is most likely in St. Petersburg. I know she is living on the streets. I know she is alive, as of last week when she called my aunt and uncle in Vermont. Apart from that, she is like this loose thread that begins at my heart and travels out from there until I can no longer see the end of it, but it catches on me as I move throughout my day and I am reminded of the vague absence of her.

My relationship with my mother has been unraveling (again, those loose threads everywhere) for quite some time. The reasons are complicated, having to do with the old and familiar stories of alcohol and abuse and all the burdens they bear.


This Mother's Day was beautiful, for all the reasons I mentioned in my previous post, but there came with it a weight. I couldn't call my mother, or even write to her, to tell her how much I love her. To let her know, despite any pain her troubles have caused me, that she is my mother and without her I am missing a part of myself. I want to share with her my own journey as a mother and I can't do that. I want to thank her for the ways in which she gave her love to me pure and true. I want to tell her I remember the nights she sang to me on her guitar. I remember the time she took, despite being a single mother working full-time, to make me special breakfasts each morning. The journeys she took with us to the mountains, the ocean, the desert - the ways in which she showed us the world and made it beautiful.

I want to take the little girl in the picture and smother her with kisses, lift her up in my arms and hold her close to me, as I do my own daughter. I don't know what happened to that little girl. Whether the pain and illness to come was inevitable or self-inflicted or inflicted upon her, or all of the above.

I hope she can feel my love wherever she is. I hope that somewhere the other end of my thread is tugging at her heart. That even though her thread unravels off into a somewhere she can not see, she knows that it's my heart attached to the other end.

Mother's Day Belated

This was hands down the best Mother's Day yet. Granted, it's only our second one, and the first was a pretty tough contender. Still, the sight of Sasha running up to me with a flower in one hand, a handmade card in the other, with her arms open wide for a hug - this definitely pushed this year's Mother's Day over the top.

What can I say? Becoming a mother has given me existential whiplash and I'm loving nearly every minute of it. The minutes from between 12am - 5:30am - not so much. But, even then, when I'm soothing my daughter back to dreamland, even then I'm so glad to be right where I'm at in life.

A coworker recently commented me on my calm demeanor in the workplace. I told him that motherhood has taught me a great lesson about priorities. Nothing is more important to me than my family. I may love my work, and get satisfaction from the daily responsibilities, but the stress that comes up or the fires that need to be put out occasionally - well, it rolls off my back a little more easily now. As long as Sasha and Jay are safe and happy, everything else is icing on the cake. Compared to my family's health and safety, the stress of work feels diminished.

Sasha has made me a stronger person. I owe her for who I have become in the past year. She teaches me patience, determination, the power of being present. I look forward to what she has to teach me as she grows and learns and brings new joys and challenges to our lives.

I love you, sweet girl. Thanks for choosing me as your Mommy.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

This morning Sasha was dancing to Depeche Mode "Shake the Disease". Will there still be goths when she's a teenager?

Up, Mommy!

Sasha's uttered her first "sentence" today, "Up, Mommy!" It sounded a wee bit unintentional, but I'm still counting it as a first. Every day her vocabulary expands and I'm amazed at what she can communicate. I think I may still be the resident linguistic expert on the language of Sasha, but I know that she intends each and every one. Some of her favorites:

"Eeef" = leaf
"Cheee" = tree
"Nun"= sun
"Tuck" = truck
"bat" = bath
"bed"

Well, it goes on quite a bit. She's also totally grasped the rituals and routines we have around the house. When she's ready for bed, she'll sometimes grab her blanket, wrap it around her shoulders, and say, "Shhhhhh..." because this is what I say when I rock her a bit before bed. It's always great when she does this because I know it'll be an easy night of going to bed.

She's also very into the great outdoors. I think she would be happy if we spent every waking hour "out tide." When she wants to go out, she grabs her coat and tries to put it on and then grabs her shoes and tries to put those on. Of course, she can't get them on by herself, so she gathers everything up, stands by the door, and says, "out tide, out tide!" She gets very upset when we don't go outside. I have been meaning to scour craigslist for some outdoor play toys, as there isn't much going on in our back yard. I did get her a little pail and shovel, and she does like playing in the dirt, but we need more options.

She's still enjoying school, but the late afternoons have become trying for her. She has caught on to the ritual of parents arriving to pick up her classmates, and has begun crying for me when other moms come to pick up their kids. Her teachers say it's normal for her age and should go away in the next couple of months. It pains me to see her crying when I get there, or to think of her getting sad when another parent shows up and it's not me. Still, she's easily soothed and she clearly likes being at school for the most part.

There is a lot on my mind that I would love to blog about, mainly regarding some recent postings on my parents' list serv that have been so inspiring and brave and thought-provoking. I'll have to save my thoughts for another time, though. I've been enjoying my cozy time in bed with a book and we have to get up early tomorrow to go to Olympia.

Until then, good night.

a quick update

From a letter written to Colleen this afternoon:

First, she has come up with so many words. I don't know how they happened, but suddenly, there they are. She says "ghen" for "Gwen" - it's so funny to hear her say it, too. I mean, usually we are saying it with a slight (or not) tone of admonishment in our voices, and she is able to match us tone for tone. "Ghen!"

What else is she saying? "Whoa!" is huge right now. And, although "hot" was one of her first words, she now uses it to describe pretty much anything she is unsure of, especially a particularly odd texture, like a bumpy rock. I guess more than words is what she is able to understand. She puts things away when we ask her to and she puts them in the right place! And, the other night, she pulled out a shoe from my closet and put it on my foot, indicating that she'd like me to put it on. I asked her to get me the other shoe, and she went and pulled out its exact match, even though the shoe was upside down in a pile of other shoes! She then went on to do this with two other pairs.

And, she loves shoes, especially her red shoes. They were sitting on the couch last night, and she got up and put them back on the side table where we keep them - moving each, one by one, until they were where they are supposed to be. My little organizer!

A funny thing: this morning I was trying to get her to brush her teeth with me. She was sitting outside of the bathroom, watching Jay get out of the shower and get ready. I asked her to look at me so I could brush her teeth. She ignored me. I said, "Saaashaaaa. Let's brush our teeth." She refused to look in my direction. I tried a few more times to get her attention, but she knew what I wanted and she was having none of it.

ch-ch-ch-changes

The reason that I haven't updated this in so long is complex and, if it were to be explained, would require a detailed agenda and accompanying pie charts. Suffice to say that the biggest wedge of the I-have-no-time-to-blog-because pie is called Employment. Looking for employment, interviewing for employment, and gaining employment.

After two months of searching for a job, and all the ego bashing blows that come along with the process, I was hired as an office manager for a large non-profit. So that I am not one day fired for talking about my job on the internet, I will not name names. Let's just say that it's a very good organization that focuses on community building and providing resources for children and their families. I actually had a relationship with this organization through my work at FareStart, so it's deja vu to now be working on the other side.

So far, the transition from full-time motherhood to full-time work/full-time motherhood has been generally smooth. Sasha started daycare in January so that I could look for work, and so we didn't have to go through that transition at the same time as my starting a new job. I already felt confident that Sasha was happy in her daycare situation when I started working, which was a huge load off my mind.

I really dreaded the whole going back to work thing for a long time, but I feel I really got lucky in finding a great job at a great organization working for really wonderful people. The mission of the organization is already so deep within my being that it feels effortless to support this place. I know that the work I'm doing is important and only makes the community that Sasha will grow up in a better place, so I truly feel that everything I'm doing is for her and for my family. We're financially in a better place, and I'm giving to the community at large. This is why I love working for non-profits. It's made every unlikeable thing about working full time and not spending as much time with Sasha more manageable.

Other than my new job, things keep moving along at the Hilwig household. Sasha continues to be a powerhouse, exploring everything in her world at breakneck speed. She's mastered walking and now runs everywhere as fast as she can. She's climbing the furniture like a monkey, which means we can't let her out of our sight for one moment. Luckily, all of our furniture is pretty low to the ground, so there's not far to fall.

She's learning new words every day it seems. Just yesterday morning, she pointed to her foot and said, "toes!" I took her to the eye doctor (nothing wrong with her eyes, don't worry) and there was a lion sticker on the wall. She pointed at the lion several times during our visit and said clearly, "Lion!" She also now says, "uh-oh" and "owww" which help me recognize when she's either gotten into trouble or hurt herself - two frequent occurrences.

She likes to throw things in the garbage, which is great, and also to take things out of the garbage, which is not so great. Especially when she eats the garbage.

I will try to update this more frequently, but I'm not making any promises. When I have the choice of updating this or cuddling with my family... well, it's not really a contest.

Much love,

Kari

Happiness is...

Sasha started laughing and clapping when we pulled up to her daycare this morning. She enthusiastically rang the door bell, and when we got inside and she heard all her friends playing, she wrestled out of my arms to run into the toddler room. I guess this means she likes school?

We had a great weekend of sunshine, playing outside, catching up on naps (she doesn't nap so much at school), and visiting with friends. I'll post pictures when we get around to uploading them. There are some great shots of Sasha running around outside and visiting with her friends at Tougo Coffee.

She is very much into running everywhere. No more tentatively walking - this girl is on the move! The only time she takes pause is when the terrain changes, ie., going from pavement to grass. She takes a moment to assess the new terrain and then gingerly crosses over. It's so adorable.

She's also using lots of words now. "Baby" is a big word for her, as are the old stalwarts "baba," "hi," and "bye." It's cool that she can repeat words, though, even if she doesn't bring them up again for a while. She's repeated "milk" (sounds like "mih"), "thank you" (sounds like "darnk ku"), and "cool." Other words she knows and uses: "eye," "head/hat/hair" (they all kind of sound the same and she touches her head for all of them," "cheese" (sounds like "ghee"), and "teeth" (she does the teeth brushing pantomime for this word).

She loves reading books and now will sit with her books and flip the pages by herself, making up her own words for the pictures. Every day, she seems less like a baby and more like a toddler. It's scary wonderful!

Sasha: A Year in Pictures

January 2007








February 2007








March 2007








April 2007








May 2007








June 2007








July 2007








August 2007








September 2007
















October 2007












November 2007








December 2007








January 2008

High Five

Sorry to leave you hanging there. Things seemed pretty sad last time you checked in, didn't they? I assure you, the delay in posting was not due to me laying on the couch incapacitated with Sasha withdrawal, forced by lack of will into watching daytime television and massive binging on Hostess products. Believe me, I'm quite capable of multi-tasking. In fact, this skill has been highlighted on my resume. Is it my fault no one ever asks what it is exactly that I multi-task?

In all seriousness, the last few weeks have actually been quite good in the daycare department. Sure, the first week Sasha and I were both puddles on the floor, bursting into tears when we pulled up in front of her daycare. It did get better, though. So much better, in fact, that when I think of the possibility of her not being there (say, because no employer is wowed by my multitasking ability), a shadow of panic falls over my heart. It is clearly an amazing place and I feel so lucky that we stumbled into an opening, especially after several months of calling other daycares only to be put on long waiting lists.

I had some doubts and fears at first. Were these people to be trusted with my baby? Were they smiling to my face and then shoving choking hazards down her throat as soon as I walked out the door? Was Sasha crying from the moment I left until the moment I picked her up? Is she being picked on by the older toddlers? Would she ever forgive me?

Each day, though, brought relief as I saw her transition quickly to this new experience. For the first week or so, she'd burst into tears when she saw me walk in the door, desperately waving "bye" to everyone so that we could leave NOW. Last week something changed. She still cries in the morning, although not as much as at first, and the biggest change is when I come to pick her up. Now when she sees me, she waves and runs over to give me a hug. Then, she gets right back to whatever it was she was doing. Today I put on her coat and hat and while looking for her shoes, she ran off to play with her friends. The teacher asked her if she was going home, and she shook her head, "No."

She's matured so much in just the last few weeks of daycare, too. Her vocabulary and ability to mimic words is more refined. She interacts more pointedly with other toddlers; less parallel play and more actual interaction. She now "high-fives" and dances to the slightest hint of a song. The teacher told me that today she was dancing to the computer's start up jingle. It makes me happy to see her respond to music so joyously. She even tries to sing sometimes.

All of this makes the arduous task of looking for work and worrying about money less stressful. All of my worry can now go into finding gainful employment because I know she's safe and happy when I'm not with her. This is priceless (translation: about $1000/month).

Stay tuned for a photographic retrospective: Sasha: 2007-2008, a Year in Pictures.

Firsts, Part 1

Today is Sasha's second day of daycare. I haven't stopped crying since I dropped her off 15 minutes ago. I think today is possibly harder than yesterday because yesterday I had no idea how hard it would be. I fantasized that she would adjust seamlessly and that I would pick her up and she would have barely noticed I was gone.

Instead, I forgot her lunch, had to bring it in and then watch her scream for me as I left, once again. When Jay and I picked her up, they told us she had a great day, one of ups and downs, but that she ate a lot and talked a lot and even slept over an hour. Still, seeing her burst into tears when she saw us walk in and her tired little face just about killed me.

So, the second day is the hardest. The "goodbye" part is awkward. I don't want to linger, I don't want to bolt. And yet, when we first get there, she's kind of dazed and transfixed and doesn't really notice I'm saying, "Goodbye, Sasha. I love you. I'll be back soon." It's only as I'm walking toward the door that she notices and our eyes catch and she starts sobbing.

But, I need to pull it together this morning. I have a five hour interview starting in about 2 hours, and I must focus.

Sasha, I am hugging you from afar.

Big Stuff

Yesterday, Jay and I brought Sasha to her daycare for a "practice" day. This means she stayed a couple of hours without us there to get her acclimated to the environment. I highly suspect these trial days are as much about getting mama adjusted as it is about getting baby adjusted. At least, that's how it worked for me.

As soon as we got there, Sasha was off exploring and chatting up the other toddlers. It was a quiet morning, with a few of the kids out sick, which made it a perfect day to get to know the school a little better. Jay and I stayed for about 10 minutes, but it was pretty clear that she was doing fine. As we were putting on our shoes to leave, she realized that we weren't bringing her with us and began to cry. I've read that in this situation, you don't want to linger, but it's even worse to sneak out. Clearly, we weren't sneaking out, but how long of a "goodbye" becomes lingering?

I didn't pick her up, I just restated that we love her and will be back to pick her up later and then we left. I didn't feel as emotional as I thought I might, mainly because I felt in my heart that she was fine and in good hands. There was a small part of me also that thought, "And now, I get to go drink coffee and read the paper All By Myself. Wheee!" So, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I was seriously tearing up and anxious on the way over, so this came as a pleasant surprise.

When I came to pick her up, she looked at me and gave me a big grin, but wasn't desperate to get up into my arms. A slight blow to my ego, but a really good sign. The teacher told me she cried for about 5 minutes, but they gave her lots of hugs and distracted her. She had a big lunch and when she saw all the kids with their sippy cups, she put down her bottle and drank from a cup. They said she talked a lot, which is not surprising, and she was clearly comfortable and happy when I came in. She walked around pointing at all her new discoveries, and one of the little boys was clearly smitten with her as he kept saying, "That's Sasha. Bye Sasha" as we got ready to go. I think he was still saying "bye Sasha" when we closed the door behind us. Sasha's first school friend!

I can't explain how wonderful seeing her adjust so well makes me feel. I know it's not the same as leaving her for eight hours, but just that little glimpse reassures me that all of this will be okay. It's a hard adjustment for me, but I do feel more confident going into her first day of school now.

Sunny Days, A Remembrance

There is nothing like getting out of Seattle during the cold, dark winter and taking a break in the warm sun. I hereby declare that every winter we shall take a sun break and head to warmer climates. Even during the holidays, the traditional hot cocoa and snowflakes time, I would rather be swimming in an ocean or lounging on the beach.

Lucky for us, both grandmothers live in Florida, so we have a place to go for the sun. We arrived a couple of days before Christmas and stayed with Nonna Connie at her place on Longboat Key. She lives across the street from the beach, which is a very nice place to live. Jay took Sasha in the ocean every day, which she loved. We even saw a pod of dolphins while out one evening walking the shore.

We visited with Grandma Sharon in St. Petersburg - we had lunch at Rollin' Oats and took a walk in Sawgrass Park. We didn't see any crocodiles, unfortunately, but we did see some soft shell turtles. Sasha loved all the palm trees in Florida, and even now will point out palm trees in books.

It was a lovely time and had I not waited until 3 weeks after our trip, I would have some accurate memories to share. I apologize for the vague details and will try to update after her birthday much sooner.